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by Mimek

Florida. But to me this could ancient Vietnam or prehistoric plains of central America. It's one of those pictures that captures a mome...

by borda

I've often wondered what it would look like if we could plunge ourselves into Jupiter's atmosphere. What wonders of cloud formations an...


For some reason this piece reminds me of France in the autumn, which is curious since I've never been to France, much less during the a...


Mysterious, full of intrigue, and yet filled with a gentle visual calm, this piece beckons a kind of naturalistic mysticism. Imagine yo...

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My "real" extended family are from overseas, and are fundamentalist Catholics.  The person I knew as my mother for the first 23 years of my life, one time threatened (in a humorous way) to take me to "The People's Temple" across the bay in Oakland to put some religion into me. 

I recall protesting or laughing it off.  I think my thought was "You and what army."  Not question, but a challenge that anyone trying to convince me of delusional beliefs was going to get an ear full, and then some.  I was fairly uncooperative when it came to thinks I disliked on principle.  Especially religion.

In the last ten years there's been some suggestion or notion or I sense a kind  of curiosity as to whether I had ever been abused by some church member.

No.  Not ever.

Church beliefs are simply at odds with what we know about the natural world.  There is no rebellion against the church as I've never been an active nor willing part of any church.  I went to sunday school a handful of times when I was a young boy, carried a ring for a wedding when I was even younger, and just in general didn't attend otherwise.  I think I went with my mother one time to midnight mass as a courtesy, but I found the whole thing then, as I do now, just silly and idiotic beyond belief.

So, the People's Temple is making a lot of news local in the Bay Area.  It's touted as a popular church that has integration and social awareness at the fore front of its religious agenda.  And then ... er, maybe about a year later news of a mass suicide in Jonestown hits the news.





So, the story so far;
1) apparently I'm a supposed "Satanist" because I'm an atheist
2) I'm given steroids to "make me more of a man"
3) said steroids cost me academic performance, induce bouts of rage, make my body develop abnormally, and, because of this, I come under the eye of law enforcement for road rage
4) said road-rage is believed to have some kind of "romantic" undercurrent
5) I am therefore harassed on the road by some party unknown to me to "hook me up" with some romantic interest
6)  And, on top of this, same said party tries to fix me up with a look-alike for a girl I fell for
7) same said party suspect my mother may have abused me (she never did)
8) it turns out my "mother" may not have been my real mother, and that my "real family" have made all the aforementioned atrocities against my person
9) and let's not for get Camille and her DFNC helicopter parenting me from a distance

It would almost be funny, it would almost be the stuff of a high budget comedy were it not, in point and fact, absolutely true as far as I can make out. 

And, get this, these people, I suspect, asked my mother to take me to The People's Temple to get some religion into me.  The same church that killed 400+ of its own parishioners in one of the worst mass suicides ever.

Again, no wonder they were kicked out of their own country.  And for the piece of shit jerk who lives locally and likes to wear an NSA t-shirt, you can take this post and shove it up your ass.  As for the servicemen who are living nearby, I hope you read this and digest it for all its worth so that you can understand what I've been through.

And, this goes many times over for DFNC and his legal representation.  Because mister, there aren't enough lawyers in the world to defend you against what I have suffered.  TWELVE YEARS of being tracked, tested, prodded with psychology and psychiatry, possibly listening in on my therapy sessions with Doctor Ross, does NOT balance with the history of abuse I have gone through at your hands and that of your bitch wife.

I think I'll add that my friends were catholic, one was the son of a police officer, another whose family may be from some security apparatus overseas.  All created for me because of SNB's worry that I was becoming a godless "devil worshipper" and corrupted by American society.  What a goddamn whore.  I'm tempted to say that I almost wish she had gone to Jones' Town with the rest of that lot, but to do so would invite a rigorous harangue from some prosecutor in a court of law.

This is what I've been up against my entire life, you the casual reader.
I'll never meet this woman again, so I'm going to go ahead and post it here.

In 1991 I suffered a loss in the family.  Some weeks or months later I went sailing (I owned a waterfront home in Foster City) and sailed by the Edgewater Shopping Center to my friend's house on the other side of town (who also lived in a water front home). 

I sailed by one restaurant and saw a group of women at a table next to a bay window.  One was a blonde who I didn't see very well.  I beamed a wide grin and then sailed on.  A little harmless flirting. 

But let's back up here a bit;
1) I was suffering depression because I was losing my temper
2) said temper was brought on, I believe, someone slipping steroids into my food
3) said depression also made me forget my homework assignments
4) my temper flare ups, my mood swings, my forgetfulness, and a few other things, including how my body bulked out without me participating in any sports, again in my stern opinion, were the result of someone wanting me to be "more of a man", so to speak.  A thing I would have to puzzle out 30 years later as I write this series of journal entries.

As such, because of a lack of academic success, because I seemed to be forced into going into the arts (specifically film and video production, a career I really didn't want, but for which I had specific aims), I didn't feel too good about myself.  I kept myself from dating because for some strange reason I kept having temper tantrums.  Said temper tantrums, ever since I've left the house, have since stopped.  But the other element in them was DFNC helicopter parenting me from a distance, along with his bitch wife Camille.  DFNC is not a doctor nor health care specialist of any kind.  He is not a doctor, he is not a registered nurse, he is not a social worker, nor qualified for anything related to the field of health care.  His wife, Camille, is.  And, I suspect, he rode in on her success using ego to push his ideas forward.  To this end, because I suffered psychiatric techniques in my upbringing by DFNC and his bitch wife Camille, I was abused.

So, fast forward back to 1991, and I'm thinking it's just a bad idea of sticking around.  I didn't like the film industry.  I couldn't get ahead.  I felt like I was being "parented" or "looked after" from a distance, and it was NOT a good feeling, and I resented it very much to the point where it had me contemplating suicide.

So, I load up my dog into the back seat of my red 1987 Acura Integra and go to the drive up teller window at a local bank.  And this perfect girl leaps up onto the window and says "Ooh, look at the puppy!"  Wow.  I was awestruck.  As I slowly looked back at the dog, not really knowing what else to do, I noticed that the dog looked up at the bank teller drive up window as well.

Anyway, to make a long story short, it was the same girl, only I had been using that bank to transfer the estate into my name, so I wasn't sure if she was on the level or not, and lost my temper when she gave me the business card of an investment consultant. 

But I kept thinking of her for 25+ years. 

Fast forward to 2012, and there're little hints that she may be around, or coming back, or know that I had been thinking of her, and that she understood that I had some issues.  Ah, but the year before, 2011, when I was working at the Orchard Supply Hardware in Millbrae off of El Camino, there was an effort to hook me up with an "Andrea lookalike." 

No joke.  I kid you not.  The Gaul of it all.  The nerve.  The audacity.  The just plain stupid, idiotic, bone-headed, tasteless, insulting quality of this act is beyond belief.  Imagine you fell in love with a girl from your younger years, and someone tries to get someone who looks like her and present her to you as a substitute.

It wasn't Andrea's hair, it wasn't much of one aspect of her physicality (though I thought she was cute beyond belief), but that vibrant personality.  Growing up I was pretty self conscious, and Andrea was the first girl who just came and said "Hi, this is who I am, and I like you."  No need to try and test me or humiliate me or call me up anonymously on a party line, or shout at me from a car (yes, all those things happened to me).  She was just herself.  I liked that.

But the same fucking bastards who hounded my entire life, tried to create a facsimile. 

I've often wondered about this.  And the only thing I can conclude (after thinking about it since 2012) is that these absolute fuckups of a "family" thought I was visually oriented and "saw things" when I was in my creative process.  These bastards saw me at my most private moments, used psychiatry to pry from my deepest recesses my most inner desires, hopes and dreams. 

They are immoral scum.  For had they understood anything about love, true love, they would have known that my love for this girl wasn't because she was a blonde haired blue eyed surfer girl, but just a nice girl with a great smile.

It gets worse.

So, I'm coming home from yet another "construction job" (I fucking hate tools and working on shit with tools ... I TRIED SEVERAL TIMES to get a writing position), and there's a blonde on my front walkway at my home in Foster City talking to my asinine neighbors.

What the hell.

It's just another psychiatric ploy, and again the police will do absolutely nothing about it, no matter how many times I call.

Thank you Foster City Police Department and former chief Craig Courtin.

So, I ignore it.  Was it Andrea?  It probably was in retrospect.  But all this time I had been fighting off scum bags from harassing me on the road.

Okay, so we have to go back again and get to the purpose of this journal.  Back in 1992 or 1993, Andrea was still working at the same bank locally, and I was coming back from Point Reyes with my dog.  Only my dog had nearly lost the ability to walk by now, so I took her to the beach one last time.  And wouldn't you know it, for all the hours we spent on South Beach at Point Reyes, she defecated in the car when we got back inside instead of on the beach.

I exploded.

I wasn't happy about it.

I got off on the Edgewater Foster City exit, and was going to make a left turn onto Beach Park Boulevard and maybe stop off at the local Safeway.  But Andrea was in the Edgewater "go straight" lane, so I pulled behind her ... it was my big chance to really make it up to her!

But not more than an hour ago across the Golden Gate bridge I had unleashed the worst temper tantrum I had on my beloved dog.  And I grappled with how and why I kept losing my temper, and should I really get to know this girl with him I very much like?

I chose not to and turned off as she and her friend tried to say hello to me as we drove down Edgewater.

So, again, I have DFNC for his asinine helicopter parenting with psychiatry, and that goddamn bitch of a "real mother" and her fucking offspring for screwing with my life.

Because when I saw Andrea again (assuming it was her) standing in front of my house, I ignored it.  It was just another trick, and another goddamn ham-fisted attempt to "give me" what I wanted, as opposed to letting me seek and work for what I wanted on my own WITH PRIVACY.

These bastards have so fucked up my life with their "good intentions" that it is beyond criminal, and deep into "immoral" country.

Ah, but trailing Andrea, I'm guessing, must have gotten around to the local girls that "this is what I wanted".  That my "love" expressed itself in "aggressive driving", and that throughout the last dozen or so goddamn fucking years I was DELIBERATELY HARASSED on the road;

A) to test whether I was still losing my temper on the road
B) to see if it did indeed prove "the way to my heart"
C) possibly to arrest me to force me with her or someone else to "calm me", "domesticate me" and prevent me from being a further hazard or danger to the public on the road.

The only problem is that the connection made was UNTRUE.  I do NOT get sexually nor romantically aroused by "aggressive driving".  I in fact HATE reckless and dangerous drivers.  It's the WHOLE REASON I LOST MY TEMPER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I poste the story here; www.lostlovers.com/ubb/ultimat…

It has since been taken down, since the harassment I received by the "P family" led me to believe that private information I had shared with Doctor Ross, Doctor White and Doctor Kalish, had been made public.

As a result, I filed a formal complaint with the Department Of Justice's Inspector General's office against elements in one of the local Law Enforcement agencies that I believed were trying to harass or entrap me.  As per this journal entry, that may not have been the case.

But, if it wasn't, then it was a criminal act of harassment, I suspect, deliberately done at "Family P's" instruction and request.

These bastards, along with DFNC, have completely ruined every aspiration I had.  More recently these fuckups seem to want me to move even further north into a shanty coastal community, or so I'm sensing.

Sorry, no.  You will not sweep this under the rug.  A judge, a REAL judge who has no ties to national security, will hear this case.  This may actually be supreme court case material, as a person of my suspected social stature is not unique, and others may have gone through something similar as to what I've experience, although not as rigorous. 

Of course I'll be asked to present my evidence beyond my anecdotes, and if my "real family" are the VIPs I suspect them of being, then I've got a snowball's chance in hell of getting evidence I need to be made public, much less presented to a federal judge.

And that's the "story" behind the story of the love-road-rage connection.  Note to any female reading this, I don't care if you're Andrea herself or some other girl I loved in the past, you will go to jail if you screw with me on the road one more time.
So, this whole thing was about hooking me up with a female companion or group of friends?

This is bullshit.  I've done some "soul searching" and other cognitive activities, and have concluded that the people behind this effort are off their rocker.  This whole time I thought it was because I had done a CHP "brake check" way way back in 2001.  This whole time I thought maybe someone had gotten hurt ... this whole time that my privacy was violated was an effort to hook me up with someone I liked?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

At this point in my life I'm not inclined to do anything.  For the dumb ass who thinks that getting pissed off on the road somehow ... how can one delicately put it ... "turns me the fuck on!", you sir, and/or madam, are out of your FUCKING MIND.

I've got to bring in the Department of Justice and call lawyers because some dumb shit at UCLA and Stanford think I got some strange connection with driving and romance?  What?  Huh?  I actually know the origins of this myth, but that's another journal entry for another time.

Right now I'm WAY WAY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY too pissed off to write any further.
My neighbor, as of a half hour ago or so, said I was probably "spiritual" with a dismissive comment.

Ah, no.  I'm not spiritual in any way, shape nor form.

Needless to say, I kept on good terms with her for the sake of good neighborly relations, but I think she's a fucking bitch.  I say that because I've got a very strong hunch that she knew I was going to move into the unit I did, as do a lot of the assholes that live here.

Oh well.

Know this, casual reader, if I go to another meetup, another get together, an industry party, a convention, and I get surrounded by people interested in my welfare, I will consider it harassment and criminal conduct.

End of story.
Apparently for most of my life I've had some dumb ass "family" who equated my lack in a belief in their god with so called "devil worship". 

When I was in preschool I was asked if I liked dinosaurs.  Not wanting to look like a fool I quickly and emphatically said "Yes!"  Beverly Fossum, wife to Jim Fossum (who would become the director for Napa State Hospital, a place where they lock up the harmless nut cases)  gave me a book that belonged to her youngest son, Peter Fossum.  It was a book on dinosaurs. 

The first words in the first paragraph were "Millions of years ago ..."  Not years, not decades, not centuries, not thousands, but millions of years ago... creatures walked the earth.

It opened my young eyes to a whole new world of science.  I was an atheist from then on.

Ah, but some asinine scum bag jerks from India and the middle east, apparently family I didn't know I had, thought that my love of science and lack in their idiotic beliefs, equated with a worship of their spiritual bad guy; i.e. Lucier, or satan, or "the devil" ... so much to the point that, in retrospect, it appears I was prodded about this "belief" that I allegedly had. 

I've written about this on the Citizens of the Imperium, but will reiterate the story here; Mike C. and Sam S. wanted to show me what a laugh they had by dialing up an online computer.  This was circa ... er, 1983 or 1984 I think, pre-public net, when you had to connect with other computers by actually dialing them up with one of those old fashioned modems. 

The computer they showed me via phone line, was a "website" (I'm using that term for ease of explanation and brevity) dedicated to heavy metal with a "satanic" theme to it, as some heavy metal was marketed (mostly to the sons of bible belt whites who rebelled against their Baptist parents).  They laughed and laughed about it.  They showed me the flame war they had on this computer's BBS by trashing the music, the male fans and their girl friends. 

What you need to know is that Sam S. and Mike C. were both Christians.  Sam's family is from Saudi Arabia on top of that.  Mike is a fundamentalist catholic.  It was these two people who introduced me to this computer, with which we spent maybe 30 minutes to an hour poking around as they laughed while showing me the satanic art and posts by other heavy metal fans.  Wow.  What fun ... not.

I don't care for a lot of heavy metal music, though there is some that is fairly good.  But I certainly don't care for religious rock, neither christian nor satanic.  Good music does not need religion to heighten the experience.  Good music is good music, and religion, in whatever shape, merely latches onto music like a leech to promote its ideology. 

Ah, but it gets better.

So, throughout much of my teenage life it seemed like Mike kept trying to tell me about the devil, and how I should read the bible, and how most people dismiss "the devil" as just some guy with horns and a pitchfork (Mike apparently doesn't know his own bad guys, as I think the christian bad dude actually uses a trident, and not a farm implement).   And throughout a lot of my life I was tested for this ... in retrospect I'm thinking I may have been drugged up too to "get the truth out of me" and to "get me to see the light", so to speak.  I don't know that for a fact, but based on what I'm going to tell a judge and lawyers, it seems likely.

The REAL TRUTH is that I have NO belief in ANY deity whatsoever.  I never have.  I never will.

But this fundamentalist catholic "family" that I've only recently thought about, it seems to me, had some bronze age, medieval concept of what atheism means.  And since they, I'm guessing, had "high hopes" for me, they wanted to make sure that I believed in their asinine fairy tales.

You know, I really wanted to be paleontologist at one time, but I couldn't discover what science it was that allowed a young boy to study dinosaurs.  I'm thinking that may have been an intentional steer on their part.  I also wanted to go into aerospace engineering with some form of natural science under my belt to help mankind get back to the moon and beyond--study not just Earth's natural history, the natural history of all the planets.  But it seemed like I couldn't remember my homework assignments, and I'm guessing this was a result of being medicated by these people.

So, instead of going into science, I went into the arts.  that's important because I didn't want to go into the arts, but my thoughts were that if I couldn't help make the future come into reality, then maybe I could make images of the such for people to see.

Now, with that in mind, how on Earth does any of that mix with the occult?  Just how? 

Well, if you're an incredibly wealthy, piece of shit from the middle east, with beliefs that go back to an era when mankind was sacrificing animals to imaginary beings, then anything you don't believe in must therefore be satanic or against your religion in some way, shape or form.

In retrospect, a lot of the harassment I received, was probably a direct result of these bastards with whom I may share a strand of DNA.  And if I NEVER meet up with these assholes, then it'll be too soon.

And, FYI, for the outfit that they hired to look after me, whether it's an employee I meet at a store, someone I encounter at a meetup, or just someone off the street, if I suspect they are demonstrating undue interest, and are showing the earmarks of past social encounters engineered by the aforementioned party, I will deem it harassment, and you can plead your defense to a judge who isn't in the pocket of the nation's security, and the whole nation, the whole of the North American continent, if not the world, can see, hear, and witness for themselves what you did to me over my 50 years of existence.

To the casual reader, these bastards absolutely DESTROYED my HOPES and MY DREAMS; whether it was to go into the sciences, or to make a name for myself as a game author or film maker.

They are scum.  Given the tactics I was subject to, it's no wonder they got kicked out of their own nation.

Enough said.

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